"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty"

"On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

“To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”

"I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers."

"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."